Tuesday, September 18, 2012

I Need to Forgive Myself

Forgiveness can be hard, especially when trying to forgive yourself. I should know because I desperately need to forgive myself so I can move on.

I have gained weight. I am currently weighing in at 240 lbs. I was very excited when I lost 28 pounds and reached this same weight last August. Being here now, though, feels like failure. I have maintained the same weight for an entire year. There have been loses, bringing me down to 232 lbs.; however, I am having trouble forgiving the gains.

I should be glad to have maintained a 28 pound weight loss for a year, but the little voice inside is saying, "but it should have been more". My response to that voice has been, "it could have been more". This, however, gets me nowhere.

I use to make excuses, hoping that would help me move on. Excuses like, "It's the weekend, we can indulge" or "I had a rough day, I deserve a treat". That, however, gets me nowhere.

I am tired of going nowhere. I am ready to try something new. I am ready to forgive myself for not reaching my own expectations. I am ready to forgive myself for not being perfect and I am prepared to continue to forgive myself for that fact for the rest of my life.

I haven't really spent time working out since I gave up my gym membership this summer, but I decided to change that last night. Since I have forgiven myself, I feel like I have been given a fresh start. I know that every day is a chance to start fresh, but taking care of some emotional baggage really helped me feel refreshed! My old high school has open gym every Monday-Friday. You can sign in from 6:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. to use their equiptment or walk laps through the school. They have treadmills, elipticals and stationary bikes. The great thing is that the school is only two minutes from my house! Even better, it's free to use. My husband and I use to pay $50/month to attend a gym with the same equiptment, 15 minutes away from home. This just makes so much more sense! We're really lucky to have a free place to work out, and only two minutes from our house. This is something I will be taking advantage of a lot! My sister joined me at the gym last night and we used the treadmill for 15 minutes. It wasn't very long but it felt nice to be doing something active.

Things haven't gone the way I had planned, but now that I have forgiven myself, I am in control of what happens next. I feel a weight off of my shoulders already. I know that I will stumble and I will fall, but I will never give up.

2 comments:

  1. I'm with you. I started last August and lost 28 lbs between August and March... Since March I have been up or down 5 or so pounds until last week when I reached a decision to recommit to the nutrition aspect of loosing weight.
    Let's do this... One decision at a time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kay, I've been following you for a while (obviously anonymously) and have never commented. This, though, really resonated with me. I've been in your shoes - I have PCOS, I was 260 pounds, etc. - and I've lost a lot of weight. Is it difficult? Yes. Is it worth it? ABSOLUTELY! The best advice I got was - get comfortable with being uncomfortable. There will be days when you don't eat the cheesecake. There will be some nights when you go to bed and your stomach is a little growl-y. It sucks. But doing what got your weight up isn't going to help you get your weight down. (It got a lot easier for me after about two weeks of hard work and focus.)

    YOU CAN DO THIS! One day, one bite at a time. Keep your chin up, keep up on the treadmill (it gets better, I promise) and keep blogging. You are loved!

    ReplyDelete