Hello from vacation! We just woke up in sunny Orlando, Florida! I feel bad for not having blogged all week but I have had the craziest week of my life, literally. It's been a week of happiness and heartbreak.
Lately, I had been feeling nauseous if I looked at certain foods, smelled certain things, or even thought about eating something like meat or eggs. I was dizzy, too. This had been going on for two weeks. My mom asked if I was pregnant but I couldn't have been because I have been on my period for two weeks. Regardless, I took a pregnancy test and it was... Positive! My life changed in a moment. I was instantly thankful as I have been told that I am unable to conceive with my PCOS, but then my thanks turned to fright as I have been on what I thought was my period for two weeks. Something was wrong.
Hours after taking a positive pregnancy test, I was in the ER. We found that I was indeed pregnant and that the baby was alive and the cervix was closed. The bleeding was actually coming from a hemmoragh. I left the hospital scared but hopeful since the cervix was closed.
I spent two whole days being the happiest and most worried person in the world. I had no idea that those two emotions could live so strongly together and create this feeling of being a mother. I was 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The baby was at the stage where she could move her hands and feet; she had her eyes and nose and cheeks. Her heart was beating. I was a mother, something I never thought I would have the opportunity to be. My dreams had come true, so unexpected, so bitter-sweet this week has been.
On Thursday, my dream came to an end. I began bleeding a lot from 11 a.m. until 4:00 p.m. At 4:00, my nightmare began. I started to feel cramping and hot sweats. I was at work but took a 10 minute break to ride that out. It went away long enough for me to finish work. As soon as I got home, however, the cramping became more intense. It was the most painful thing I have ever gone through, physically and now, emotionally. I vomited many times from the pain. The pain was constant and I knew i was having a miscarriage. I tried to go through it at home from 5:00 p.m. until my mom called 911 at 9:30.
I went to the hospital by ambulance. I wasn't medicated for the pain until 2:00 a.m. I was delirious from the pain. I found from some tests that the baby's heartbeat had slowed and the cervix was open. It was only a matter of time. I was discharged from the hospital despite my plead to stay. I lost her only 20 minutes after my discharge from the ER. My physical pain went away instantly and I knew it was over.
It was 3:00 in the morning on Friday at the time. We had already decided to not leave on our flight to Florida while I had been writhing in pain only hours before. The flight would leave only hours later, but I told my husband that I still wanted to go on our cruise. I needed it now more than ever. So, we left that same day. My emotions on the flight, just having lost her early that morning, were back and forth. I have to say that I would have never got through that horrible experience without my mom, step dad and husband. They were all there for me, watching me be in pain. Doing anything they could do to help. They prayed aloud, asking for healing. They rubbed my back, helped move me when I needed it. I couldn't imagine surviving that experience without their help.
Now, it is Saturday morning and I am in Florida. I had a really rough night in the hotel last night with my husband. I was finally able to cry and express all of my feelings and questions. Our baby is in heaven and I have never even met her. I'm a mother and have been for nearly 7 weeks and only knew for a couple days. I am so thankful for those days of pure happiness while I carried her with me. I feel so empty know but full in knowing that she was sent for a reason. She was sent as a messenger and is already with our God. Her message was that we can conceive, and there is hope for our future. She helped me think like a mother, something that will change my life forever. I loved her so much and always will. I know that I will still have my emotional moments, but I really want to use this vacation for what I believe God has intended; to relax, reflect and refresh with my husband. The timing in all of this has taught me a lesson I should already have known; I am not in control. God has blessed us in so many ways this week. I am truly blessed. I am blessed that this occurred while I was at home and not in the middle of the ocean. I am blessed that it happened in time for us to have a place to go away and relax on vacation. I am blessed to have a strong support system, which is only stronger now.
This will be one of my last blogs until we return from the Bahamas. I have a guest blog scheduled for Monday that I am really excited about. As for our vacation so far, we are really having a great time already.
Last night, we ate at Carrabas in Orlando. Today we are boarding our ship to visit ports in the Bahamas. Here are the first photos from our trip, the rest will come upon our return!