Saturday, December 1, 2012

My angel baby, Sophia.

Although miscarriages are more common than some of us may know, it doesn't minimize their impact. Even though this blog was created to document my weight loss journey, I feel like I must share these words from my heart regarding my recent miscarriage. It has been such an important and life changing event in my journey, and so I will share my thoughts with you now.

While I was pregnant, my husband, sister, mom and I began thinking of baby names. We hadn't officially decided on a name before I miscarried. Since I miscarried at 7 weeks, and all babies develop first as girls, I always refer to my baby as "her" in my prayers.

Shortly after my miscarriage, my sister told me that she had been calling my baby Sophie when she prayed. Sophia was one of the names we really liked.

Baby Sophie, in the short amount of time she was alive, she was a lot of things to me. I need to share how amazing Sophia was and what a great impact her life has had on me.

First of all, she was strong. She had a good heartbeat when we finally found out I was pregnant. She made a home inside me and survived about 5/6 healthy weeks before trouble began. She was taking everything she needed from me, which caused very strong pregnancy symptoms for mommy.

She was a messenger. During my first sonogram, there was an odd sense of calm that came over me, despite the panic that had been going on for hours. I remember the word, "Messenger" coming to mind. Her message was so many things. It was to stop and remember who was in control; that I can make plans all that I want but its God who is the true planner for our lives. Her message was that I do have a bright path ahead; I was destined to be a mother, even if only to her; and she gave me hope that one day we will be able to hold a healthy baby in our arms.

She brought me perspective. From the instant I found out I was pregnant, my perspective on life has changed. This was God's intent. I was blessed with the perspective of an expecting mother. It's not something that can be explained. It changed me in some very amazing ways.

She brought me closer with God, and my loved ones. She showed me how important it is to have a community of loved ones in your life, and how important faith is to me. After needing to draw upon my community of loved ones and beliefs for strength, it has given me the desire to give back. Something I will never be able to fully do, and something I will never stop trying to do.

She made me a mother. Something I have always wanted to be but didn't dare dream of. I hoped to be a mother one day but doubted that I would be blessed with the honor. Although she is no longer with us, that does not change the fact that she was here. She was growing, she had a heartbeat. She was alive. There hasn't been a single day gone by that I don't think about her. My baby, Sophia.

She was and is a lucky soul. She was blessed with such an important task in her short life. She was a messenger from God. He chose her to come whisper in my heart that there is hope and a great plan ahead. And while I take great comfort in knowing that she is in heaven right now, there isn't a day that goes by without me wishing that I could have held her in my arms and given her just one sweet kiss. My amazing angel, my sweet baby, my little messenger.

3 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage in January 07 as soon as I found out I was prego. I got pregnant again and carried for four months. I always knew mine was a girl. We had gone in to find out the sex when we found out there was no longer a heartbeat. Since I had made it to my second trimester I had to deliver her. I named her Loralai Grace. They did an autopsy and it turned out she was in fact a girl.
    My whole reason for losing weight is to increase my chances of having a baby. It's been five and a half years since my last pregnancy. I took me a whole to heal emotionally. My only advice is to let yourself heal emotionally instead of keeping it all in.

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  2. I couldn't help but cry when I read your post. Its so beautiful. You are an amazing person and I am praying for you in your time of loss. I'll leave you with the lyrics of my favorite praise song "He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name"

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  3. Awe, I am so sorry for your loss! Your post made me so sad :( Someday you and Sophia will be able to meet again in heaven :)

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