Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Confessions of a Binge Eater

Hi, I'm Kalyn and I ate an entire 1/2 lb. bag of chocolate for dinner last night. 


Then, I went to Jazzercise to try and even out the balance. 

Then, at 9 p.m., I binged and essentially threw away all of my effort.

This was my first "binge" in well over 6 weeks. I am not a regular binge-eater but, I struggle with the occasional out-of-controlness of overeating at times. Mostly these "binges" occur at night, when I'm tired and a little hungry.

It all started when I made the mistake of mindlessly eating chocolate covered pretzels in the car {around dinner time}. I got home and calculated the calories to find that I had over-extended my calorie range for the day and felt like I had to just call the chocolate covered pretzels "dinner" for the night and eat nothing else {Looking back, I see how this kind of thinking hurt me. deprivation = binge trigger}. 

I was mad at myself, and wanted to do anything I could to fix it. So, I went to Jazzercise to work out.


When I came home, I did a little work at the computer and then, instead of going to bed at 9:00 p.m., I went to sit on the couch and started watching Netflix. {Uh oh. Big mistake.} I was feeling hungry and tired. I was reminded of how all I had for "dinner" was a bag of chocolate covered pretzels and I felt like I needed to eat something more {deprivation = binge trigger}. 

I went out to the kitchen...
It started with a couple slices of turkey. Then, it escalated quickly. That wasn't going to cut it, so I moved on to the pasta salad leftovers that my mom had dropped off. Two cups down, and while I was probably full, I didn't feel it. I mindlessly and quickly {probably a tactic so my mind couldn't catch up to what I was doing} heated up a plate of cheesy nachos in the microwave and topped it with sour cream. Then, I moved on to a half cup of ice cream. Finally, after standing in front of the fridge for a few seconds, I finished my binge off with 1/4 of a leftover sub from lunch. It all happened so fast, and then it was done.
Thinking back now, with the clarity the morning-after brings, I can't believe I did it. I wonder, "why would I do that?" The food combination doesn't even sound good. I don't remember it tasting good, either. I just remember the need to fervently go on from one thing to the next, trying to fill the void that really couldn't be filled. I needed grace from what I did at dinner time but, instead, I sought out more comfort in mindless eating.

The reason why I am confessing this all today is so I can look back and realize, binge-eating/over-eating is not worth it. I woke up today feeling horrible. Not only physically, which is definitely something to be noted but, mentally, too. I was beating myself up over what I did and so, I decided to come here to confess.

Confessing my binge really helped. It helped me to come to the realization that it is what it is. I did it, and I am moving on. Truly. I don't like how I felt when I was over-eating and, I don't like how it affected me the day-after, either. I don't want to get stuck into feeling like that regularly, and so, I need to move on from it. I truly believe that what I did last night, the binge, isn't as important as what I do today.

Here's what I'm doing the morning after a binge:
#1 - Confession {this blog post}
#2 - Assess how I am feeling, take mental-note of the direct effects of my binge. The inflammation in my joints, and overall my entire body. My body feels stiff, bloated, unwell. I don't want to feel like this on a regular basis; I want to feel and be healthy.
#3 - Drink 32 oz. of water first thing in the morning.
#4 - Eat a light smoothie for breakfast / salad for lunch
#5 - Love myself. Focus on the good. Re-frame any negative thoughts that come to mind into positive thoughts.
#6 - Stay within calories for the day.
#7 - Go to bed early tonight.
#8 - Give myself grace.
It's true that it's hard to make healthy choices when you don't feel good. I don't feel good today because of the inflammation in my body from last night's binge, however, instead of letting that deter me from making good choices, I am using it as motivation. 

I am motivated to make healthy choices today because I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to feel good so, I need to eat well and make good choices for myself today. Losing weight, getting healthy, feeling better isn't always an instant thing -- you need to work on it, even on the days when you don't feel good. Rather, especially on the days when you don't feel good.


I know that the binge does not define me; it is what I do after the binge. It is what I do today that matters most.

4 comments:

  1. As always, I so appreciate how honest and up front you are, Kay. Good for you for picking yourself right back up and moving on.

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  2. Been there many times, Kay! At the end I started taking walks whenever the urge hit me. It works well up to this day. Don't give in!

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  3. Been there ..done that! The good thing? You recognized it...evaluated...and now you are moving on with more knowledge and a better plan for the future!!!

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  4. You are so cute and honest. I liked your confession of binge eater. I appreciate it. Move on is the best choice. No all days are same as previous ones. Good Luck for the future.

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