Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Confessions of a Binge Eater

Hi, I'm Kalyn and I ate an entire 1/2 lb. bag of chocolate for dinner last night. 

Then, I went to Jazzercise to try and even out the balance. 

Then, at 9 p.m., I binged and essentially threw away all of my effort.

This was my first "binge" in well over 6 weeks. I am not a regular binge-eater but, I struggle with the occasional out-of-controlness of overeating at times. Mostly these "binges" occur at night, when I'm tired and a little hungry.

It all started when I made the mistake of mindlessly eating chocolate covered pretzels in the car {around dinner time}. I got home and calculated the calories to find that I had over-extended my calorie range for the day and felt like I had to just call the chocolate covered pretzels "dinner" for the night and eat nothing else {Looking back, I see how this kind of thinking hurt me. deprivation = binge trigger}. 

I was mad at myself, and wanted to do anything I could to fix it. So, I went to Jazzercise to work out.

When I came home, I did a little work at the computer and then, instead of going to bed at 9:00 p.m., I went to sit on the couch and started watching Netflix. {Uh oh. Big mistake.} I was feeling hungry and tired. I was reminded of how all I had for "dinner" was a bag of chocolate covered pretzels and I felt like I needed to eat something more {deprivation = binge trigger}. 

I went out to the kitchen...
It started with a couple slices of turkey. Then, it escalated quickly. That wasn't going to cut it, so I moved on to the pasta salad leftovers that my mom had dropped off. Two cups down, and while I was probably full, I didn't feel it. I mindlessly and quickly {probably a tactic so my mind couldn't catch up to what I was doing} heated up a plate of cheesy nachos in the microwave and topped it with sour cream. Then, I moved on to a half cup of ice cream. Finally, after standing in front of the fridge for a few seconds, I finished my binge off with 1/4 of a leftover sub from lunch. It all happened so fast, and then it was done.
Thinking back now, with the clarity the morning-after brings, I can't believe I did it. I wonder, "why would I do that?" The food combination doesn't even sound good. I don't remember it tasting good, either. I just remember the need to fervently go on from one thing to the next, trying to fill the void that really couldn't be filled. I needed grace from what I did at dinner time but, instead, I sought out more comfort in mindless eating.

The reason why I am confessing this all today is so I can look back and realize, binge-eating/over-eating is not worth it. I woke up today feeling horrible. Not only physically, which is definitely something to be noted but, mentally, too. I was beating myself up over what I did and so, I decided to come here to confess.

Confessing my binge really helped. It helped me to come to the realization that it is what it is. I did it, and I am moving on. Truly. I don't like how I felt when I was over-eating and, I don't like how it affected me the day-after, either. I don't want to get stuck into feeling like that regularly, and so, I need to move on from it. I truly believe that what I did last night, the binge, isn't as important as what I do today.

Here's what I'm doing the morning after a binge:
#1 - Confession {this blog post}
#2 - Assess how I am feeling, take mental-note of the direct effects of my binge. The inflammation in my joints, and overall my entire body. My body feels stiff, bloated, unwell. I don't want to feel like this on a regular basis; I want to feel and be healthy.
#3 - Drink 32 oz. of water first thing in the morning.
#4 - Eat a light smoothie for breakfast / salad for lunch
#5 - Love myself. Focus on the good. Re-frame any negative thoughts that come to mind into positive thoughts.
#6 - Stay within calories for the day.
#7 - Go to bed early tonight.
#8 - Give myself grace.
It's true that it's hard to make healthy choices when you don't feel good. I don't feel good today because of the inflammation in my body from last night's binge, however, instead of letting that deter me from making good choices, I am using it as motivation. 

I am motivated to make healthy choices today because I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to feel good so, I need to eat well and make good choices for myself today. Losing weight, getting healthy, feeling better isn't always an instant thing -- you need to work on it, even on the days when you don't feel good. Rather, especially on the days when you don't feel good.

I know that the binge does not define me; it is what I do after the binge. It is what I do today that matters most.


  1. As always, I so appreciate how honest and up front you are, Kay. Good for you for picking yourself right back up and moving on.

  2. Been there many times, Kay! At the end I started taking walks whenever the urge hit me. It works well up to this day. Don't give in!

  3. Been there ..done that! The good thing? You recognized it...evaluated...and now you are moving on with more knowledge and a better plan for the future!!!

  4. You are so cute and honest. I liked your confession of binge eater. I appreciate it. Move on is the best choice. No all days are same as previous ones. Good Luck for the future.