Monday, May 14, 2018

Faith Over Fear + A Second Child

For all those celebrating yesterday, Happy Mother's Day!

For many years, being a mother was a distant dream, a secret one that I only kept to myself. I had been told for years by a couple different doctors that I'd likely never have any children of my own (I have polycystic ovarian syndrome) and, so to protect my heart, I didn't let myself dream very often about being a mother, let alone tell anyone other than Nick that I wanted kids one day.

That protection mechanism kicked back in after after we were finally blessed with our daughter, Piper. People were quick to ask in that first year if we'd have another child and my first reaction when asked was a fearful "no".

Fear dictated my answer to this question for a couple of years, for a few different reasons. I was fearful of my body's capability to conceive and carry another child. I was fearful of the recovery of another c-section while being so overweight. I was fearful of our ability, financially and otherwise, to care for a second child. I was fearful of disappointment and heartbreak, should we go through another miscarriage. I was fearful of changing our family dynamic. I was fearful of the wait.

After a while, my fearful "no" became a fearful "maybe". With fear comes doubt and, before long, "maybe" was the only answer I had as to whether or not we'd try for a second child. {Waiting for clarity is hard. The book "Wait and See" by Wendy Pope helps.}

Before moving forward, let me just say, fear, doubt and guilt really like to hang out together. 

Whenever I let myself think about my "maybe" turning into a "yes", guilt found it's way to me. I felt guilty for even thinking about wanting a second child. We had been so incredibly blessed with one miracle baby; a baby that was never guaranteed to us, even in the final hours of her birth through emergency c-section. How could I possibly think about trying for another child? To push our luck? To risk the heartbreak?

I realize that worrying about "pushing our luck" and "risking heartbreak" were my ways of minimizing the glory and power of God.
Proverbs 3: 5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
When Piper turned 3 years old, I sought God on many occasion for the right answer to the question "should we be trying for another child". Along with the support and encouragement of my husband, I felt the stir in my heart but, fear kept winning.

Earlier this year, I came to realize that I spent too many years being too distracted with fear, doubt and guilt to hear His answer to my question. It took a while to come to that realization but, once I had, I began faithfully praying for clarity beyond fear.

I prayed for God to help me see His will for my life and our family -- that if it be His will for us to have a second child, that we will be called at the right timing -- in His perfect timing.

Speaking of His perfect timing - the sermon at church this weekend definitely seemed to come to me in His perfect timing. I've shared the recording of the sermon, below.

At about 20 minutes in, it was said that "in the waiting, prayer opens our heart to filling our deepest and our truest need. A relationship with the Father." Yes. A thousand times, yes. A couple minutes later, Sarah shares how to begin praying persistently. It's definitely worth watching. I'll be coming back to it, myself, over and over.

If ever we should be so blessed with a second child, I rest in His grace and in knowing that it will all be in His perfect timing and, by His will alone.

Please pray for us.

No comments:

Post a Comment