Monday, January 27, 2020

With Grief and Gratitude

It's Monday! I am very excited for a fresh new week because, to be honest, last week was a rough one.

It kind of breaks my heart to say that last week was rough because, last week we celebrated Piper's 5th birthday! I wish I could come out of that week saying it was the best.week.ever, however; the week was filled with some intense highs and intense lows. 

I guess that might be expected considering I'm still recovering from my third miscarriage, which coincided with my daughter's milestone birthday. I have so much to be grateful for, while having so much to grieve. I think my most recent Instagram share says it best.

Grief and gratitude are often clenched in the same fist. 

The deep truth of that sentence brings some fresh hot tears to my eyes.

Okay. Deep breath. Back to where I started going with this post. 

I am excited for the fresh new week ahead! I am excited to have a week planned out with normal, routine things to do. I am also a little anxious about where the waves of grief might take me, despite my plans.

If I've learned anything from my past seasons of grief, I've learned that the weeks months after a trauma such as this feels a lot like floating in water.  Last week, there was an entire day when I was drowning in the waves of grief. I literally woke up crying, and didn't stop crying for hours. Have you ever cried for hours before? I don't believe I have cried for such a length of time. I ended up needing to wear a hot compress on my face by the end of the day because of the pain from squeezing my eyes shut for so long as I wept. 

The day before, I was fine. That's why I use the analogy of floating in water when navigating grief. The water was calm, and then, all of a sudden, it wasn't. When I tried to get out of bed that morning, I was unexpectedly swept off my feet, drowning in the dark abyss of grief for an entire day and night. Once the waves finally calmed, it took a while to catch my breath. 

Today, I feel like I am floating in calm waters again, but I'm well aware that the waves of grief could come back at any minute. So, I am going to enjoy these calm waters while they are here, and I'm going to go about this week, with grief and gratitude.

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