Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Today, I Mourn.

A year after my miscarriage and it still hurts.

My husband bought me these white roses to keep in the house in memory of what we went through a year ago, this week. Some supportive people come and go, but my husband is always there for me when I need him the most.

Even though I don't talk about it much anymore, I think of her everyday. I usually say a prayer on my way in to work, which always leads me to think and pray about her.

The painful, bitter-sweet memories of when I was pregnant, haunt me in the places where I frequent most. It's a trauma that is impossible to forget. It has forever changed me.

The most common places are constant reminders of the sequence of events that lead up to my miscarriage. It's been a year, and yet, I still feel the warm sting of tears in my eyes almost daily.

Even if just for a minute, I mourn our loss every day.

It feels as if my heart, constantly trying to heal, gets re-broken with each day; with each reminiscent moment.

Often I find myself, unwillingly, replaying the moments in my head; from the time that I found out I was pregnant, until I lost her. I think of the weeks prior to that; I think back to what I was doing. Mostly, I think about what I was doing wrong. I think to myself, "maybe if I wouldn't have done ___________, we wouldn't have lost our baby. We would have her here with us now".

I often find myself literally shaking the memories out of my head. Constantly trying to refocus my bad thoughts into positive ones.

Every single day, I strive to be positive about the situation.
Not today. Today, a year after our loss, I mourn.
I can be strong again, tomorrow.


  1. Hi Kay, I just found your blog the other day (through Katie at Runs for Cookies!) and I just had to comment! My heart broke for you when I read this post. My husband and I also have a little angel in heaven - it was 2 years last month and I still think about our baby every day. I know I always will. Some days it is with a tear, and some days with a soft, warm tenderness. I am so glad you have wonderful, supportive people around you. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you this week!

  2. Beautiful post in remembrance of your daughter. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you and your husband strength today.