Friday, November 7, 2014

Praise be to God

This Sunday is the second anniversary of my miscarriage with my first pregnancy. We only knew for a short time that I was pregnant prior to miscarrying, and I was only pregnant for about 7 weeks, but it doesn't negate the impact of this loss. This was a tremendous loss for both my husband and I.

Prior to, I didn't know that I could get pregnant. I was told by a couple doctors that I probably couldn't get pregnant and after many years, I believed them.

To quote a previous post of mine from 2012:

"While I was pregnant, my husband, sister, mom and I began thinking of baby names. We hadn't officially decided on a name before I miscarried. Since I miscarried at 7 weeks, I don't really know the gender, except for in my heart. Therefore, I always refer to my baby as "her" in my prayers.

Shortly after my miscarriage, my sister told me that she had been calling my baby Sophie when she prayed. Sophia was one of the names we really liked.

Baby Sophie, in the short amount of time she was alive, she was a lot of things to me. I need to share how amazing Sophia was and what a great impact her life has had on me.

First of all, she was strong. She had a good heartbeat when we finally found out I was pregnant. She made a home inside me and survived about 5/6 healthy weeks before trouble began. She was taking everything she needed from me, which caused very strong pregnancy symptoms for mommy.

She was a messenger. During my first sonogram, there was an odd sense of calm that came over me, despite the panic that had been going on for hours. I remember the word, "Messenger" coming to mind. Her message was so many things. It was to stop and remember who was in control; that I can make plans all that I want but its God who is the true planner for our lives. Her message was that I do have a bright path ahead; I was destined to be a mother, even if only to her; and she gave me hope that one day we will be able to hold a healthy baby in our arms.

She brought me perspective. From the instant I found out I was pregnant, my perspective on life has changed. This was God's intent. I was blessed with the perspective of an expecting mother. It's not something that can be explained. It changed me in some very amazing ways.

She brought me closer with God, and my loved ones. She showed me how important it is to have a community of loved ones in your life, and how important faith is to me. After needing to draw upon my community of loved ones and beliefs for strength, it has given me the desire to give back. Something I will never be able to fully do, and something I will never stop trying to do.

She made me a mother. Something I have always wanted to be but didn't dare dream of. I hoped to be a mother one day but doubted that I would be blessed with the honor. Although she is no longer with us, that does not change the fact that she was here. She was growing, she had a heartbeat. She was alive. There hasn't been a single day gone by that I don't think about her. My baby, Sophia.

She was and is a lucky soul. She was blessed with such an important task in her short life. She was a messenger from God. He chose her to come whisper in my heart that there is hope and a great plan ahead. And while I take great comfort in knowing that she is in heaven right now, there isn't a day that goes by without me wishing that I could have held her in my arms and given her just one sweet kiss. My amazing angel, my sweet baby, my little messenger."

Being pregnant now, 2 years after having my miscarriage, has been bitter-sweet. One thing is for certain, it is by the Grace of God that I have carried this baby to 29 weeks now without any issue.

I pray daily for the baby in my belly, and even before she was with me, I prayed for her to come to me at a time that was right, a time when my body could handle it; in God's time.

Even though my road to becoming a mother hasn't been easy, it has been a miracle.

I sit here now with a heavy heart as I mourn the loss of my first pregnancy, and with a hopeful, excited heart as I anticipate the safe arrival of my second. Praise be to God.

1 comment:

  1. I always found comfort in knowing that the first thing my babies saw was the Lords face. How amazing that has to be.