She Would Have Been Two

Three years ago today, my life was forever changed.
Three years ago today, I had a miscarriage.

What could be considered the greatest loss of my life, over some time, became my greatest motivation and driving force to lose weight and become more healthy. Before having my miscarriage, it was uncertain if I could become pregnant. I have PCOS, which makes it hard to conceive but, as I learned three years ago, not impossible.

The day after I miscarried in 2012, I wrote these words: "I feel so empty now but full in knowing that she was sent for a reason. She was sent as a messenger and is already with our God. Her message was that we can conceive and there is hope for our future."

Three years later, I am here, writing again. Only this time, I am writing with the sound of my 9 month old daughter, Piper, talking to her "dada" and squealing happily as she strolls around the house in her walker. I am in tears now thinking about how much faith and hope it took to get us here. God is so, so good.

This quote really tugged at my heart when I read it: "A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven't. Most don't mention it, and they go from day to day as if it hadn't happened, so people imagine a women in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. But, ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she'll know." - Barbara Kingsolver

Today, she would have been 2 1/2 years old.

While I don't let the grief of my miscarriage consume me, I will always talk about my miscarriage. My loss. Our loss. I will remember her on this day, always. I will always think about who she would be now, what she would sound like, what she would look like, what she would act like.

I will always wonder how she would have changed me, if she would have been born; I will always be proud of how she changed me, despite being so.

All past in-memoriam posts:

2012 - I was Pregnant.
2013 - Today, I mourn.
2014 - Praise be to God.