Thursday, August 22, 2019

We Were Pregnant, Again.

Trigger warning. Sensitive topics below.

It is with great joy and sadness that I am sharing with you that I was pregnant, again. Our dream of having another child became a reality at the beginning of August, when the at-home pregnancy test confirmed the answer of “YES” to a question we’ve been asking for over the past year.

However, this dream come true was short-lived. Below is the short recap of my third pregnancy, and second miscarriage.

August 2, 2019 - 4 weeks pregnant

After two negative pregnancy tests the week prior, I took the test that turned positive on Friday, August 2nd! When I saw the "yes" on the test, I couldn't believe it! I paced around the house with excitement before dropping straight to my knees and thanking God for this miracle! What I didn't realize in the moment was that Piper was watching me. Of course, she didn't know what was going on and she asked me, "Mommy, why are you crying?" This was a good opportunity to share with her that sometimes people cry when they are happy, and I said that I was happy because God answered one of my prayers! I explained that when God answers our prayers, we praise him and thank Him. So, in that very special moment, I got to praise God for this miracle with my daughter by my side.

August 8, 2019 - 5 weeks pregnant

Everything was perfect! Bloodwork confirmed my pregnancy. Those first trimester symptoms began. I felt God's grace and peace. My husband and I began making plans to tell our families when my sister would be home in September. We started looking at Piper in a different way, as a future big-sister. If life had a taste, it was incredibly sweet in this week.

August 16, 2019 - 6 weeks pregnant

I woke up 6 weeks pregnant on a Friday, not knowing this would be the last day I'd wake up that way. When I went to the bathroom first thing early in the morning, I noticed some light pink spotting. I tried not to panic because, spotting can be normal in pregnancy. However, things progressed fairly quickly. I called the OBGYN at 8 a.m. and they got me in for a 12:30 appointment. I was doubled over in pain by 9 am and my husband was on his way home from work. The pain was something I'd experienced before. 

I couldn't believe this was happening, again. I was losing this baby. The one who had given us such hope after over a year of waiting. The one who was going to make Piper a big sister. The one who was going to fill our home with double the joy and double the laughter. The one who we were certain was going to be a boy. 

After the miscarriage was confirmed with a sonogram of my empty womb, it was hard to go to sleep that night. I was painfully aware that tomorrow would be the first day in two weeks that I would wake up and not be pregnant.

When I finally woke up in the morning, I was met with that bitter awareness and, God’s sweet peace. It was a blessing that I couldn’t wallow in the grief. We had soccer team pictures scheduled for 10:30 and Piper first soccer game at noon. The distraction was good and very much welcomed. It was that day I learned both grief and joy could very much reside in the same day, and it has continued to do so every day since.
Baby boy in heaven, I am so blessed to have had you in my womb for just a few short weeks. I praise God that you are with Him, basking in His glory. 
Heavenly Father, I give you thanks for the days I was blessed with this third pregnancy. I know that you meet my gut-wrenching question of “why” with arms wide open and a tender embrace. I pray You use this pain for good and for Your glory, Lord. Thank you, Father, for the impact this story has already had on others; for whatever kind of healing it may provide; for the platform it has already given others to share their own stories of pain and, help bring them out of isolation. I pray You can use this story to bring those people and our family closer in our dependence, love and trust in You. You are good and, even though it hurts so badly when the waves of grief come crashing down on me, it is well with my soul.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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