Wednesday, August 28, 2019

You Are Still Good

Before I dive in to the content of today's post, I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to us on social media, via messages, emails and in-person. God doesn't have to show us the ways that He is using this story but, when He does, it is such a comfort and treasure for us. Thank you to those who have shared their own stories with us; who have shared their love and support. We appreciate you.

During the last Revival Night at our church, we were given some time to consult the Spirit and pray. At that time, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me in two words: "Be Still". Those two words came to me in bold print. My body's immediate response was to tense up. It was such a physical representation of my desire to be in control. I knew it right then, I needed to surrender in the ways I was holding back. Earlier that morning, I found out I was pregnant! From the very beginning, I feared losing the baby. I took it to God and, His response was to "Be Still". God was asking me to trust Him. That even if this baby would not be born to this world, to trust Him.

With my hands and jaw clenched, tears began to run down my wrinkled-up face. I stood in that moment, completely tense, praying and wrestling with these two words before a sudden release. In an instant, all of the tension in my body went away and I remained still. Literal moments later, a young man approached the stage with something he was prompted to share with our church. I don't remember everything that he said, just his last few words. He finished what he was prompted to say with "Be Still and know that I am God." At this point, I just began to weep. That sealed it for me. I remember thinking, "even if not, God, You are still good".

I do not know what God's plan is but, I can tell you that He prepared my heart for this miscarriage. He prepared my heart in so many ways; through experiences, through the community He has provided for us. He is a good Father.

Thursday, August 22, 2019

We Were Pregnant, Again.

Trigger warning. Sensitive topics below.

It is with great joy and sadness that I am sharing with you that I was pregnant, again. Our dream of having another child became a reality at the beginning of August, when the at-home pregnancy test confirmed the answer of “YES” to a question we’ve been asking for over the past year.

However, this dream come true was short-lived. Below is the short recap of my third pregnancy, and second miscarriage.

August 2, 2019 - 4 weeks pregnant

After two negative pregnancy tests the week prior, I took the test that turned positive on Friday, August 2nd! When I saw the "yes" on the test, I couldn't believe it! I paced around the house with excitement before dropping straight to my knees and thanking God for this miracle! What I didn't realize in the moment was that Piper was watching me. Of course, she didn't know what was going on and she asked me, "Mommy, why are you crying?" This was a good opportunity to share with her that sometimes people cry when they are happy, and I said that I was happy because God answered one of my prayers! I explained that when God answers our prayers, we praise him and thank Him. So, in that very special moment, I got to praise God for this miracle with my daughter by my side.

August 8, 2019 - 5 weeks pregnant

Everything was perfect! Bloodwork confirmed my pregnancy. Those first trimester symptoms began. I felt God's grace and peace. My husband and I began making plans to tell our families when my sister would be home in September. We started looking at Piper in a different way, as a future big-sister. If life had a taste, it was incredibly sweet in this week.

August 16, 2019 - 6 weeks pregnant

I woke up 6 weeks pregnant on a Friday, not knowing this would be the last day I'd wake up that way. When I went to the bathroom first thing early in the morning, I noticed some light pink spotting. I tried not to panic because, spotting can be normal in pregnancy. However, things progressed fairly quickly. I called the OBGYN at 8 a.m. and they got me in for a 12:30 appointment. I was doubled over in pain by 9 am and my husband was on his way home from work. The pain was something I'd experienced before. 

I couldn't believe this was happening, again. I was losing this baby. The one who had given us such hope after over a year of waiting. The one who was going to make Piper a big sister. The one who was going to fill our home with double the joy and double the laughter. The one who we were certain was going to be a boy. 

After the miscarriage was confirmed with a sonogram of my empty womb, it was hard to go to sleep that night. I was painfully aware that tomorrow would be the first day in two weeks that I would wake up and not be pregnant.

When I finally woke up in the morning, I was met with that bitter awareness and, God’s sweet peace. It was a blessing that I couldn’t wallow in the grief. We had soccer team pictures scheduled for 10:30 and Piper first soccer game at noon. The distraction was good and very much welcomed. It was that day I learned both grief and joy could very much reside in the same day, and it has continued to do so every day since.
Baby boy in heaven, I am so blessed to have had you in my womb for just a few short weeks. I praise God that you are with Him, basking in His glory. 
Heavenly Father, I give you thanks for the days I was blessed with this third pregnancy. I know that you meet my gut-wrenching question of “why” with arms wide open and a tender embrace. I pray You use this pain for good and for Your glory, Lord. Thank you, Father, for the impact this story has already had on others; for whatever kind of healing it may provide; for the platform it has already given others to share their own stories of pain and, help bring them out of isolation. I pray You can use this story to bring those people and our family closer in our dependence, love and trust in You. You are good and, even though it hurts so badly when the waves of grief come crashing down on me, it is well with my soul.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Monday, August 5, 2019

Officially a Soccer Mom

Hey, friends and happy Monday!

Last week we started a brand new and exciting chapter in our family. Piper started playing soccer! My dream of one day becoming a soccer mom has officially come true!

We couldn't be more proud of Piper at her first soccer practice last week. Sure, she did great with the ball but, we were more proud about her heart toward a little girl who was crying, standing behind her mom on the sidelines. Every water break, Piper checked in on her, sending her encouragements to come join the kids on the field. That little girl finally did join the rest of the team toward the end of practice. Thank you God for Piper's heart!

Piper will have games starting next Saturday, through the beginning of October! We absolutely love this season of life that we're in!

Speaking of seasons, I am really starting to look forward to some cooler, Fall weather! I waited until August to say and it so, I don't feel guilty about it. Summer has been fantastic! I feel like we have taken full advantage of the warmer months and, the thought of cool nights, football games, the smell of fallen leaves and pumpkin spice everything just has me feeling a certain way lately. I am really looking forward to it!