Grieving with Hope: The Sauce Recipe

Although this week after my grandma passed has been busy, I found little ways to honor her memory throughout my days.

I had two recipes, hand written by her, and I made them both. First, was her blueberry cupcakes. I ate a lot those throughout the week, and every time I did I was grateful for her.

On Thursday, I made her sauce recipe. When I told my mom that I had a couple recipes from my grandma the first thing she asked was “did she give you the sauce recipe?” I felt very proud to say yes. Sundays smelled like her sauce recipe growing up.

As I made the sauce, it triggered little glimpses of memories I had forgotten. Grandma let me help her make sauce with her at least once. I remember her stove in the dark part of the kitchen, with only a dim light above it. I had a chair I was standing on, watching as she worked. She let me fill the sauce cans full of water and add them to the pot. She let me drop the meatballs in, too. Once the sauce started to boil, she took back over.

The process of making the sauce brought some tears, and more gratitude. My house smelled just like I remember her house smelling like on Sundays.

When I took my first bite of the meatballs, I remembered sitting at the table, covered in a white cloth with plastic over top. I always sat on the side of the table facing the windows, where she kept all of her plants and peace lily’s lined up. She used to tell me to “talk to the plants”, and touch them softly. She said the plants liked when I visited and talked to them.

I didn’t realize how much of what I love came from what she poured into me. I love plants, I love cooking, I love God and sharing about what He’s done in my life. She loved those things, too.

Carrying A Lot, But Not Alone

This week wraps up my 8th and final Book Fair as the Scholastic chairperson at my daughter’s school. What an honor it has been to serve in this way!

Piper will be moving up to middle school next year and little Laney will be starting Kindergarten. You can likely imagine all the feels I’m feeling right now. The end of this school year and the start the next one will be quite the transition for us all. Next week is Laney’s preschool graduation and the following week is Piper’s send-off to middle school.

This weekend, we will be honoring my grandma’s memory with all the services that go with her funeral. I get to read scripture and share a bit about her impact on my life. God give me strength.

On Monday, my sister’s (3) kids arrive and will be with my mom and I for the next 7 weeks while my sister works in Missouri and my brother-in-law is stationed in Turkey. We’re in for a lot of fun and exhausting days ahead!

My house is feeling neglected because all that has been happening. My mind is feeling scattered and fuzzy. My heart is heavy with a mix of grief and gratitude. 

I’m carrying a lot, but not carrying it alone.

Grieving with Hope: Low-Battery Mode

Oof. I forgot about this part of grief. The fuzzy brain. Unable to focus. The tears that fall without warning. The waves of it all.

I am trying to care well for myself through this grieving process, and also, take care of everything else that I usually do, too. My fuzzy brain tells me when it’s too much. It can be frustrating because I know I can do more but the fuzzy brain limits me. It’s okay. It won’t last - I’m just processing a lot.

On Monday morning, I got myself and the kids ready for school. After I dropped them off, I went near the lake to walk. I walked for about 25 minutes, and sat on a bench for about 5. That bench is where the tears came, released, and then I continued on.

I’m trying to really let the grief have its way. God has been near and good to me in the process. There are times when we all have to be composed in some capacity, but other than that, I am letting grief flow as naturally as it comes. It feels healthy.

After my walk, I went to Tim Horton’s to work remotely. The espresso machine was down and so although I ordered a vanilla latte, I ended up getting a cold brew in its place.

I sat there for an hour but really only got about a half hour worth of work done. It feels like my brain is in low-battery mode.

When I got home, I made myself a quick BLT with bacon bits, provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato and mayo on rye. I made Laney a PBJ upon her request.

I was still struggling with my focus in the afternoon, and I used it as an indication that I just needed to take it all slowly. So, while I still got some stuff done, I did it slower than usual.

I swapped the dishes, and started some laundry. Then, I let the chickens out to roam the yard. I pushed Laney on the swing, and collected the chicken eggs. Then, I rested in the air conditioning a bit with Laney on my lap. That was refreshing in a lot of ways.

I didn’t cry again until I got into the recipe cards. I wanted to make my grandma’s blueberry cupcakes. By this time, my husband came home and we all ran to the store to get the ingredients I’d need. 

I made the cupcakes before dinner, and smiled the entire time. It felt so good doing something to remember her. This was my first time making her cupcakes. 

There was one point where I wish she was still here so I could ask her if she swirled the top layer into the blueberry layer, or if she just dolloped them. I decided to try it both ways and the ones where I just dolloped them on top looked the same as the ones she would make. They turned out really well, and tasted just like the ones she would bring to our holiday gatherings.

For dinner, my husband made an awesome grilled medley of vegetables, sausage and pierogis.

After dinner I dropped off some cupcakes to some family and then played at home with our girls until bedtime. My body and mind felt extra exhausted and sleep came easy that night.

Grieving with Hope: My Grandma

My grandma (on my dad’s side) passed this weekend. She was 90 years old.

The most important thing we could hope to do in this life is point people to Jesus. From a young age, she did that for me.

My grandma lost her teenage son to a car accident when I was an infant. We know God is close to the brokenhearted. 

My parents were in their teens when they had me. So, I spent a lot of time during the weekends with my grandma when I was young.

There’s a tender mercy about being partially raised by a grandma who is actively grieving, and whose faith is being formed in the fire of it all. 

God is close to the brokenhearted and He was big part of our time together. I remember her reading Psalm 23 to me. She spoke about God with such confidence. There was no question when she spoke. It was a blessing.

I remember when I was little she would blow dry my hair at her makeup desk, where I would always want to play with her makeup. So she got me my own set of makeup to keep there, too.

On Sundays, after church, she would get me McDonald’s and we would go to the cemetery where my uncle was buried and we would have a picnic there. She would tell me about him and talk about God. McDonald’s orange juice still tastes like those days on the blanket.

Eventually, we would grab the empty water jugs from her trunk, and walk to the nearest pump to fill them up. We’d water the flowers at his grave, and then all of the flowers around that looked like they needed watered. We’d pick off the dead flowers, and leave it all looking good.

On Sunday afternoons, she’d make spaghetti and meatballs in the most delicious Italian sauce. My dad, aunt and uncle would all come over with my cousins. We’d play board games together. The memories make me smile.

One of the most special things she left behind was this beautiful Psalm that she wrote.

Grandma’s are so special. I will surely miss mine. 

As I grieve, I grieve with hope that she is with God now. Thank you, Jesus!

Half of the Battle

I had high hopes for myself this week. Hopes that this would be the week when I got back on track. Monday was looking real good, until nighttime snacking hit. 

I was within my calories by 7pm. I felt good about it. Then, a visitor arrived. It was the roofing contractor popping in the give us a bid for a new roof. Everything went well, and we got the bid. It’s a fair bid. A generous bid, even. Thank you God! It’s still a lot of money for our one-income household. I do work part time, but it’s basically just covering gas money at this point. The job that I work isn’t for the money, though. It’s a true blessing to be able to work in this way.

Still, seeing that big number was rattling. After hours of talking with Nick about it, at 10pm we decided we wanted a snack. Uh oh. We did not need a snack, but this is how it happens, right? The extra calories in my day that add up to extra weight. I didn’t feel good about it, because doing the right thing = the right feelings, and this wasn’t right. This was soothing myself with food.

The more that I share about this, the more I hope this truth comes to the font of my mind when I am tempted to snack at night or overeat in general. I don’t want to soothe myself with food. I turned to the wrong source of comfort in this moment and I didn’t even see it until I was done. Realizing this now, and in the moment, is half of the battle. I’m going to continue to fight.

Highlights of Life Lately: A Gentle Reminder

Today, I am sharing some highlights of life lately.

Mother’s Day gifts from my girls. They painted the pots and picked out flowers. Piper picked out a lambs ear plant because every time we see one out and about, I ask her to come feel how soft it is. Laney picked a pink and purple flower because she knows those are my favorite colors. I love how thoughtful these girls are in their gifting.

My husband and I recently had an active date night, where we went for a walk back in the woods. It was so peaceful and beautiful.

We made Mother’s Day gift making a date night in itself just by adding soft lighting, a snack plate and some good music.

Mother’s Day gift making was extra fun this year. We painted pots for them, and made little care boxes with jam, tea cookies and tea.

Another brisk walk by the lake with my love.

First ice cream of the season!

Working on my latte art.

A gentle reminder.

The Good Things Aren’t Good Without Jesus

The good things just aren’t good without Jesus. I came to this realization after I completed some pretty big tasks recently, and didn’t feel much of any sense of accomplishment. My husband said, “but look what you have done”. And I still couldn’t see or find the fullness of joy in it. 

I consulted with a friend and I met with the Lord about it. Not too long after I feel like the Lord reminded me “the good things aren’t good without Him”. This helped to shift my heart posture in a way that it’s needed shifted. 

I am finding more of a sense of accomplishment when I do whatever I’m doing as unto the Lord. When I do “this task” for Him, or with Him in mind, I feel the fullness of joy I was missing.

It’s easy to lose sight of this, which is why I wanted to post about it. Consider it an alter for me to come back to, to see what the Lord has done.

The same shift is to be done with my eating habits. I have been seeking comfort in food again. It’s a slippery slope because if we aren’t careful, comfort can become an idol. An idol is anything that takes God off the throne of our life.

From the recommendation of a friend, I’ve begun listening to the book “Gods at War” by Kyle Idleman. It talks all about idols. I am sure I will come across more realizations as I read on, but the little that I have already read has been eye opening.

When God is on the throne of my life, everything else can fall into place.

Spring Challenge: Week 7 Recap

It would be honest to say that I thought about giving up the challenge this past week. I’ve noticed this trend where the change of season, Springtime specifically, seems to shift my priorities in a way where I am not being as proactive with my eating habits. I am reactive with my eating, and slacking on tracking what I eat.

With all that said, week 7 was a rocky one for me. Most of the week I debated giving up. I don’t actually want to give up. I think this is just one of those seasons where I need to hold on and call good, good enough and be honest during the times when I’m not even trying. 

This past week, I wasn’t even trying.

Spring Challenge Tasks 

Drink 90-120 oz of water daily

• Sunday: —
• Monday: —
• Tuesday: 60 oz
• Wednesday: 60 oz
• Thursday: 90 oz
• Friday: 60 oz
• Saturday: 60 oz

Walk for 30-60 minutes/week

• Sunday: 90 minutes
• Monday: 20 minutes
• Tuesday: —
• Wednesday: —
• Thursday: —
• Friday: —
• Saturday: —

Track nutrition daily + stay within calorie range 5/7 days each week (1,650 - 1,850 calories)

• Sunday:  —
• Monday: —
• Tuesday: —
• Wednesday: —
• Thursday: —
• Friday: —
• Saturday: —

Blog weekly challenge updates

• 7/7 weeks done with this update!

Weight-Loss Goal:

My realistic and main goal is to lose about 6 pounds during this challenge. My “shoot for the moon” goal is to lose 10 - 15 pounds!

10 Weeks | March 21 - May 30

• Starting: 216 lbs
• Week 1: 215 lbs (-1 lb)
• Week 2: —
• Week 3: 218 lbs (+3 lb)
• Week 4: 217 lbs (-1 lb)
• Week 5: 216 lbs (-1 lb)
• Week 6: 219 lbs (+3 lb)
• Week 7: 219 lbs
• Week 8:
• Week 9:
• Week 10:
• Goal weight: 210 lbs - 201 lbs

This week I didn’t try as hard as I could have, but I also didn’t give up like I had thought about doing. I am working on changing my perspective and some habits that I’ll be talking about soon. In the meantime, I will press on.

Spring is Just So Busy

We took another bike adventure recently, this time we rode right next to Lake Erie. It’s been so fun to be outside with the kids after what felt like a long winter.

When I say things have been busy for us lately, this is a part of it. It’s been a welcomed kind of busy. A slow kind of busy. A busy that has been keeping us outdoors, connected to the nature God created, and to each other.

Spring Challenge: Week 6 Recap

Week 6 recap is coming a little late, but here it is!

Spring Challenge Tasks 

Drink 90-120 oz of water daily

• Sunday: 90 oz
• Monday: 90 oz
• Tuesday: 120 oz
• Wednesday: 60 oz
• Thursday: 90 oz
• Friday: —
• Saturday: —

Walk for 30-60 minutes/week

• Sunday: 55 minutes (- 200 calories)
• Monday: 20 minutes (- 100 calories)
• Tuesday: —
• Wednesday: —
• Thursday: —
• Friday: —
• Saturday: —

Track nutrition daily + stay within calorie range 5/7 days each week (1,650 - 1,850 calories)

• Sunday:  2,080 calories
• Monday: 1,890 calories 
• Tuesday: 1,675 calories
• Wednesday: —
• Thursday: 1,790 calories
• Friday: —
• Saturday: —

Blog weekly challenge updates

• 6/6 weeks done with this update!

Weight-Loss Goal:

My realistic and main goal is to lose about 6 pounds during this challenge. My “shoot for the moon” goal is to lose 10 - 15 pounds!

10 Weeks | March 21 - May 30

• Starting: 216 lbs
• Week 1: 215 lbs (-1 lb)
• Week 2: —
• Week 3: 218 lbs (+3 lb)
• Week 4: 217 lbs (-1 lb)
• Week 5: 216 lbs (-1 lb)
• Week 6: 219 lbs (+3 lb)
• Week 7:
• Week 8:
• Week 9:
• Week 10:
• Goal weight: 210 lbs - 201 lbs

I’m not too happy about my weight gain, but it is what it is. 

Just as I suspected before I started the Spring Challenge, I have been struggling to maintain a calorie deficit. 

May is a busy month and my priorities have shifted a bit and I’m feeling it. Something has to give, and hopefully I can get back on track soon.

Full Day of Eats: Thursday After Chinese Take-Out

Happy Friday! Hopefully you aren’t tired of these types of posts. The “full day of eats” posts help me to stay accountable and give me something to look back on when I need ideas.

Today I’m sharing everything I ate yesterday, on a Thursday, after having Chinese take-out for dinner the night before.

Breakfast was a premier protein and an oatmilk latte.

Since Wednesday ended with some Chinese take-out, I had an egg roll leftover that I ate for lunch.

That obviously wasn’t enough, so later I also had a couple hard shell tacos.

Before dinner, I was hungry so I made myself a PBJ sandwich.

For dinner, I made salmon, jasmine rice and peas.

After dinner, the whole family and I went out to run some errands and while we were out we got Jr. Frosty’s from Wendy’s.

Before bed, I was snacky so I had a bag of chips and a Coke Zero.

Total calories for the day came out to about 1,790 calories.

Bagels and Bike Trails

Saturdays are for bagels and bike trails!

A couple Saturdays ago, we went out to brunch at the bagel shop and then went to a bike trail right afterward. Toward the end of last week, my girls asked if we could do it all over again! My heart was so happy because this is the kind of stuff I love to do! I love to be in nature with them.

Piper initially asked if we could go biking again, and then Laney, my 5 year old, asked “can we go to the bagel trail?” It’s not really called the “bagel trail” but we might need to call it that from here on out. So cute!

Everyone agreed that we love Saturday mornings at the bagel shop and exploring the bike trails together. So, we’re going to do that as often as we can! Here’s a little glimpse into how it went.

The bagel trail and our Saturday routine with the family has been a great source of joy lately! It’s so nice to be active with the entire family and spending time in nature together.