I met my younger self for coffee today. It was me, from 2011, when I was 23 years old and 270 pounds. I’m 38 now, and 50 pounds less. 15 years sits between us. I take a sip from my oatmilk latte and set it down. I smile as I look at her, and feel tears begin to well in my eyes. “Hello” I say to younger me.
“Wow! Hi! We lost some weight!” She says as she checks me over quickly before re-engaging eye-contact; not trying to be rude, but noticing that I’m smaller. “Yeah, we did!” I say as I continue to smile. The tears welling in my eyes begin to slip slowly down my cheek as I look at her, one tear from each eye, dropping one after the other. I wipe them as I breathe out a laugh, and the tears stop.
“You look happy!” She says. “I am!” I assure her.
A moment passes and she tilts her head and furrows her brow. “We didn’t reach our goal of losing 100 pounds, yet?” she asks, noticing that I’m not as small as she’d hoped. “Not yet.” I say while shrugging my shoulders, still smiling. “But for good reason.” I nod.
“It’s, well, it’s been 15 years?” She asks, assumingely. She lowers her voice and leans in. She sounds concerned. “That’s a long time. What happened?” My breath catches in my chest at the question. I breathe out slowly and audibly. “A lot has happened, sweet girl.” I smile, not wanting to alarm her as many moments of past hardship filter through my eyes.
I breathe deeply, and let it out. “You’re a mom!” I decide to say, smiling with all the joy I have in me.
I take a moment to think of the timeline as she looks wide-eyed and genuinely shocked. I remember that we were told we couldn’t have kids back then, and we wouldn’t know that we could get pregnant for a few more years. Good thing she won’t remember meeting me today.
As she takes a drink of her vanilla iced coffee with 4 sugars and 4 creams, I pause to think back to the way we eventually find out that we were pregnant for the first time. It was during our first miscarriage; the first of three miscarriages. I blink my eyes a few times, trying to get rid of any tears starting to form.
I reach my hand out to touch the back of hers. I smile again. “You have so much to look forward to, Kalyn. Your life is so precious, and God has been so good to you.” She still doesn’t speak, but she smiles.
“What do we have?” She asks as she takes a deep breath, sizing up the responsibility it must take to be mother. I breathe out a laugh as I cup my latte with both hands. “We have 2 beautiful, brilliant girls! They are more amazing than you could ever imagine.” She smiles as she nods her head slowly and heavily, still trying to imagine being a mom.
I look down at my latte, and think for moment. I know myself, of course. I know that I would worry. So I look up and assure her my younger-self, again. “Truly, Kalyn. God has been so good to you.” I breathe deeply and shrug a shoulder. “It wasn’t all easy, of course, but it was all worth it. You will learn so much! You will realize how strong you really are, and how strong you have always been.”
With that she sits back, looking a little more relaxed. I look down at my latte again as I consider my next words. I shake my head. “You didn’t lose 100 pounds, yet. I know that must be disappointing. 15 years is a long time.” I take a sip of my latte, wipe my mouth and look up at her as I continue. “But I still haven’t given up, and I promise that I won’t.” I lean in a little and say “Because I know we were given this beautiful life as a gift, and we can’t be the one who holds us back. We must keep trying for our future-self. We want to live a healthy life, where we can run with our children, and our children’s children. Can you imagine?” I ask as I lean back with a breathy laugh.
My younger-self shakes her head, clearly unable to imagine this as her pants dig into her stomach and she shifts uncomfortably in her chair. She believes that she can’t even take care of herself in this moment, let alone imagine taking care of children.
I soften my face as I look into her eyes. “You are the one who got me here!” I say gratefully, with tears welling up in my eyes again. “We didn’t lose 100 pounds yet, but because you believed you could and you started to try, we lost 50 pounds so far!” I smile, congratulating us both.
She looks down at her iced coffee and smiles. “What can I do to get to where you are today?” She asks, not wanting to mess this up. I think for a moment, then respond confidently. “Let go of your timeline, Kalyn.” I nod to myself, realizing that’s the best thing I could tell her. “Don’t stop dreaming or planning, but hold your timeline with open hands. God will lead you, here.”
