Grieving with Hope: Low-Battery Mode

Oof. I forgot about this part of grief. The fuzzy brain. Unable to focus. The tears that fall without warning. The waves of it all.

I am trying to care well for myself through this grieving process, and also, take care of everything else that I usually do, too. My fuzzy brain tells me when it’s too much. It can be frustrating because I know I can do more but the fuzzy brain limits me. It’s okay. It won’t last - I’m just processing a lot.

On Monday morning, I got myself and the kids ready for school. After I dropped them off, I went near the lake to walk. I walked for about 25 minutes, and sat on a bench for about 5. That bench is where the tears came, released, and then I continued on.

I’m trying to really let the grief have its way. God has been near and good to me in the process. There are times when we all have to be composed in some capacity, but other than that, I am letting grief flow as naturally as it comes. It feels healthy.

After my walk, I went to Tim Horton’s to work remotely. The espresso machine was down and so although I ordered a vanilla latte, I ended up getting a cold brew in its place.

I sat there for an hour but really only got about a half hour worth of work done. It feels like my brain is in low-battery mode.

When I got home, I made myself a quick BLT with bacon bits, provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato and mayo on rye. I made Laney a PBJ upon her request.

I was still struggling with my focus in the afternoon, and I used it as an indication that I just needed to take it all slowly. So, while I still got some stuff done, I did it slower than usual.

I swapped the dishes, and started some laundry. Then, I let the chickens out to roam the yard. I pushed Laney on the swing, and collected the chicken eggs. Then, I rested in the air conditioning a bit with Laney on my lap. That was refreshing in a lot of ways.

I didn’t cry again until I got into the recipe cards. I wanted to make my grandma’s blueberry cupcakes. By this time, my husband came home and we all ran to the store to get the ingredients I’d need. 

I made the cupcakes before dinner, and smiled the entire time. It felt so good doing something to remember her. This was my first time making her cupcakes. 

There was one point where I wish she was still here so I could ask her if she swirled the top layer into the blueberry layer, or if she just dolloped them. I decided to try it both ways and the ones where I just dolloped them on top looked the same as the ones she would make. They turned out really well, and tasted just like the ones she would bring to our holiday gatherings.

For dinner, my husband made an awesome grilled medley of vegetables, sausage and pierogis.

After dinner I dropped off some cupcakes tonight which made family and then played at home with our girls until bedtime. My body and mind felt extra exhausted and sleep came easy that night.